obedience

            I have often pondered the question "what is worse: disobedience or reluctant obedience?"  This question is similar in motive to the question "how far can I go without going 'too far'". But the problem is that both of these questions focus on the wrong thing-me.  It is asking "how far can I get and still LOOK like I am doing the right thing, even if my heart is in the wrong place?"  Obedience is never about me. It is never about how I look or how I come out on the other end. Obedience is, and should always be, about God. 

            This question has crept back into my mind recently stronger than ever.  The reason being that I want to justify being disobedient. I want to say that if I obey God without "my heart being in it" then it is just as bad as disobeying Him.  Not that either of these solutions is the right one, but justification, even if it is false, always makes the wrong solution seem a little more right. 

            As I was thinking about this the other day God laid the book of Jonah on my heart. I guess you could say I took it as a confirmation when I found my pen in the exact spot of the beginning of the book of Jonah on that same day.  As I read to book I found that Jonah actually did both of these options.  In the beginning of the story he walked in absolute disobedience to God, in fact he tried to run away from God in a boat. And what was the consequence? Well a huge storm came, and Jonah spent three days in the belly of a fish.  In a way maybe you could say that at times God makes disobedience impossible.  So then God gave Jonah a second chance.  He told Jonah to go and proclaim His words to the people of Nineveh for three days, because they had been very wicked in God's eyes.  The author of Jonah describes the first days' journey of Jonah (perhaps the other two days and what he actually did on them could be left up to a bit of interpretation).  But either way what it appears to be in this case is Jonah's reluctant obedience. He did not want to be in Nineveh, and he did not want God to rescue the people of Nineveh.  Interestingly- God had told Jonah to preach against the people in Nineveh, and yet through Jonah's obedience God brought restoration to the people.  The outcome of the situation was not dependent on Jonah. All that was required of Jonah was obedience.  And through Jonah's obedience a whole city was saved. God moved through Jonah's reluctant obedience. 

            Sometimes I take myself to seriously. I like to forget the fact that the outcome of the situation is not dependent on me. I like to overlook the fact that all God asks of me is simple, true, heartfelt obedience.  I also don't particularly like being tried in this obedience.  But it is only in obedience where God can grow us and reveal to us where our hearts are at.  It is easy for me to say that I trust God. it is another thing for me to make a conscious decision to walk in trust when it seems like that is going against everything "good reason" would tell me to do.  I think that C.S. Lewis explained this issue quite well in "A Grief Observed" by stating:

You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. it is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. but suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice... Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief. 

            I guess the problem is that there is no way to truly understand the full strength of the rope until you are hanging by it.  And in a way that is what I feel like God has been asking me to do: to simply step off of the solid ground- the ground that has been tested, tried, and found to be strong and secure.  I feel like He is asking me to step off of it right over the precipice with nothing more than the "rope" of trusting in Him.  But I believe that it is over that precipice, and only over that precipice, that we find the only thing that is trustworthy.  C.S. Lewis gives another example of this same idea:

Your bid- for God or no God, for a good God or a Cosmic Sadist, for eternal life or nonentity- will not be serious if nothing much is staked on it.  And you will never discover how serious it was until the stakes are raised horribly high; until you find that you are playing not for the counters or for sixpences but for every penny you have in the world. Nothing less will shake a man-- or at any rate a man like me-- out of his merely verbal thinking and his merely notional beliefs. He has to be knocked silly before he comes to his senses. Only torture will bring out the truth. Only under torture does he discover it himself. 

            The issue once again pointed to God's grace and His teaching.  As Scripture says "The Lord disciplines those he loves" (Proverbs 3:12).  So again Lewis' goes on to talk about why God does this "shaking" or "testing" or "disciplining" or "hanging":

God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't... He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down. 

            God does all of this for our good. As Romans says "In all things God works for the good of those that love Him, who have been called according to His purposes".  And even much greater than our good- obedience is ultimately for His glory.   

And so what is left to do but to be obedient?

Life with Jesus

In high school, many times a senior class votes for “senior superlatives” Such as; best smile, nicest car, most likely to become president.  Well… my class voted for me and one of my good friends as the “Biggest Klutzes’”.  Now… I will not deny the fact that I am pretty clumsy, obviously my classmates noticed that.  But I couldn’t help but wonder if the fact that I received that “award” was actually because of all of the times that I came to school cut up, with bruises, in a cast, a brace, or some other form of bandage (not to mention with black eyes).  But the thing is… most of the times I didn’t receive these injuries because of some momentary lack of balance.  Most of the time I received these injuries because my friends and I spent most of our time outside of school on street luges’, building zip lines from our houses, jumping on trampolines, mountain biking, hiking up (and running down) mountains, discovering caves, or some other sort of crazy activity.  Perhaps you could say that the vote I received was a bit misleading.  On the outside, people would only see my mistakes…or at least the outcome of my mistakes.  And truthfully, I could have avoided most of these mistakes.  But if I had avoided these injuries completely…it would have been because I had avoided the activities.  And my most treasured memories of high school are the times usually right before I got the most hurt, because those were the moments that I was most stepping out of my comfort zone. 

As I have been reflecting back on this, I have realized that it is very similar to my life with Jesus.  From the outside, many people will only see my failings, or the affect of my failures. And I will be the first to tell you that there have been many mistakes, or even injuries, along the way.  But I can also tell you that each one of those comes with one of my very favorite stories.  Because those are the stories in which I have seen the Lord reveal Himself to me the most.  As I ask Him to continue to move me forward, the thing that I am really asking for is more mistakes.  Because our weakness is not seen in our comfort zone, but it is revealed when we enter new territories and step away from what we have been holding on to.  I would rather give everything that I have for Jesus and get a few scrapes and bruises, then spend my whole life asking “What if I had gone off of that jump? What if I had moved to that country? What if I had said yes to that offer? What if I had tried that?”  Honestly, I fear the “what if’s” more than I fear the failures.  Because at least the failures give the Lord something to work with.  If we sit back in apathy, yes, we probably won’t get hurt, or wounded, or make mistakes, but we will also miss out on some of the most incredible things that the Lord has in store for us.  I have come to realize that when we are living for a God that works ALL things for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purposes, there is no risk too great to take!  I am learning to be okay with realizing that some people will only see my mistakes…but my only hope is that in that- the Lord may be glorified all the more by what He chooses to do through my weakness!  As I am about to embark on graduate school for the next three years, I have one of those feelings deep in my stomach of thinking “wow… this could REALLY go bad…I could really mess up and fail in so many ways.”  But I realize that in that step, even though it will not always be perfect, I will be able to come out on the other end having grown closer to my Jesus and the plans and purposes He has for my life. And for that… I am really excited, and know it is going to give me some GREAT stories of His goodness! 

God is God, all over the world.

the team :)

How do I sum up five weeks of getting to see God move and answer even my smallest prayers?  I feel like I could have written a blog EVERY day in London... if I had the time :) But as I sit and think back on what God has done in this time, I am so amazed! 

Honestly, it was hard for me at first to hear that we were going to London.  My heart is in jungles and villages, among people who have never seen a white person, or heard the name of Jesus... but a city??  How could I see God move in a place that has had the Gospel for so long?  What could I bring them that they haven't already heard? 
Thankfully, I was humbly reminded in London that once again, it is never about me!  But when God calls us to do something, He prepares the way. 

dancing with Project Dance

Dance: I had learned so much about how it could be used in ministry during my six months in Montana, but I actually got to apply it and see it with my own eyes in England!  Our team partnered with an organization, Project Dance, where we were able to do our dances in an outside stadium right next to the Tower Bridge in London.  Throughout the day hundreds of people stopped to watch our dances and listen to messages about hope and the meaning of life.  We also partnered with all the churches in the area where we were staying to put on a festival.  It was a two week event where we had facepainting, music bands, a place to watch to olympics, and our dances.  The most suprising thing to see was when people, even men in the audience would cry during our dances.  Afterwards they told us they didn't know what was happening, they just felt something stirring in their hearts.  We were able to share with them that that was Jesus and He can speak through the arts.  We also got to perform in different churches around the city and share how they can use the passions and the talents that God has given them to reach their community, and share how much it is needed!

Pastor Edwin from the Kenyan church :)

Africa:  The hardest thing for me was knowing that if I went to London, I would not have an opportunity to go to Uganda this year.  I asked God in my heart as we were on the train into London, "God, could I just meet one Ugandan while we are here?"  Well, God is amazing like that! I got to meet not only one... but multiple Ugandans!  I actually met Ugandans in almost every place we went!  Not to mention the fact that we lived in a Kenyan church during our whole time in London.  I was so blessed to get to build connections with people that have moved to London, and will be returning to Uganda and Kenya in the future.  The choreography of heaven never ceases to amaze me! And it was just a blessing to try to speak Acholi with people for a while :)

because taking a picture of telling someone
about Jesus would be awkward...
this is Buckingham Palace.

Evangelism:  Honestly, as an American, doing "hut to hut" evangelism in a relationship-focused culture is a lot easier for me than trying to stop and talk to a person in a western culture about Jesus.  I think one of the things that makes it hard our ideaology that people can "have it all together" and maybe they don't "need" Jesus.  I think in the west sometimes we have this mentality of "we can only tell people about Jesus after we do charity work."  Don't get me wrong, the idea of digging wells and helping build schools is amazing!  But I think I need to remember that Jesus cares for so much more than just the physical needs of people.  He cares about their souls.  I was able to see this in London.  Even with the people that "had it all together" there was something missing if they didn't know Jesus.  Lisa said it so well when she said "people just need to be heard"  And as a short-term mission team... we can't always hear people out after we leave, but we can point them to the One who will always listen and will never leave them or forsake them.  It was so great to be able to tell people "you know, you can talk to Jesus any time you need to!" And for many of them this was something they had never heard! They thought that talking to Jesus was reserved to the people who go to church on Sundays and don't drink at night.  But the beautiful thing is that Jesus wants to meet us right where we are.  Whether that is in a mud hut in Africa, or in an office building in London.  Jesus came that they ALL may have life, and have it in abundance!  I think this was such a good lesson for me to learn, knowing that I will be in the states for the next few years.  Mission exists because the worship doesn't...and there are people all over the world that don't know what a life of worship is.  I am just thankful that God is teaching me that lesson now!  Whether it be in our own home town or country, or in a jungle somewhere... our calling is to Jesus and to making Him known.  THAT is what a life in abudance looks likes!

I'm Graduating!!!! Well...sort of...

Proverbs 16:9

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps”

This month, most of the students that I graduated high school with will be finishing up college.  Four years ago I felt like I was making a “sacrifice” and “giving up my life” to follow God to missions instead of going to college.  What I have found since making that decision is the life that I would have never been able to imagine.  God has been nothing but faithful and mind-blowing each and every day.  I never would have thought that in the time span of four years, God would have used me to create a ministry in Uganda, and be able to lead multiple missions’ teams to Africa.  We just sent out our fourth team of missionaries to spend the summer in Uganda working with Soldiers of Christ!  It never ceases to amaze me. 

well... it looks like this is my home for the next three years :)

In these past four years, the last thing that was on my mind was college.  So when I felt like I was supposed to apply for graduate school in January, it was a shock to me, especially since I don’t have an undergraduate degree. But God doesn’t work in the way the world does, and somehow… I was accepted to graduate school!


I don't think this is gonna be too bad...

I will be moving to Seattle in August to attend The Seattle School of Theology and Psychology.  In three years I will receive a Master of Counseling Psychology.  The school has accepted me as a “life experience equivalent” to a bachelor’s degree.  I didn’t even really know that someone could do that, but then again, God is full of surprises! 

Since I was fourteen, Uganda has been on my heart.  And I still believe that God plans for me there, but I believe that at the moment He is taking me through a season of preparation and diligence before I am ready to settle in Gulu.

 I will still be the co-overseer of Soldiers of Christ with Jimmy in these next three years.  Things are just going to look a bit different than I thought they would.  Our intention as a ministry has always been to do counseling and rehabilitation with our kids in Uganda, so I am excited for this step of learning how to better give the students what they need.  Thank you for continuing to stand with me in this journey!

"I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" -Mark 9:24b

What does it mean to trust in God?  What does it mean to have no “plan b”?  What does it mean to truly live a life that doesn’t make sense without Him?  These are all things that I have been wrestling with lately.  Last year God called me to apply to School of Dance in Montana.  And from the very first day I was here I have seen the reason why He called me here.  This week a second Discipleship Training School started here in Montana, and they will be sending their team to work with Soldiers of Christ in June and July!  I have built relationships with girls that have challenged me and grown me the loving way that God knew I needed for this season.  I have revived the passion for worshiping God through my dancing, and I have already seen Him move through it in incredible ways.  I get to go spread His Word at the Olympics, which I had prayed about in Uganda before I even came to Montana.  It is clear that God has brought me to Montana for this season.  So why do I still doubt Him?  Why do I still struggle deep down with believing that He is going to come through for me?  This week we have just over $3,000 due for our school fees and outreach costs.  I have $500 in my bank account.  And what does God say every time I go to Him in prayer and in frustration? “Trust in me.”  I thought I had come to a place where I was able to say, “Okay, Lord. I trust in you and I know you are going to provide all I need for school.”  But the assurance I thought I had was shaken yesterday when I found out that I owe $1,800 on taxes.  Not knowing where the money for my school fees was going to come from was one thing, and now believing God for close to an extra two grand…I really see what little faith I have.  The thing that really bothers me is not that I may “not be able to finish school.”  The thing that bothers me is my lack of trust in God.  Let’s face it.  I live in America.  I know a number of people that if I REALLY asked them for the money would be able to donate to my cause.  Yet God has not called me to trust in people, He has asked me to trust in Him.  He has asked me to invite people in to the calling He has placed on my life, but when it all comes down to it- He is the one in control of my finances.  I want to have faith in Him so much that I know, if I don’t get all of the money for my school fees, it means He has other plans for me.  He called me to Montana. I came.  If He has already achieved the purpose He has for me here… then I am okay to move on to what He has for me next.  Because I would rather have faith in Him, even if it looks like I “failed” in the eyes of the world...or the eyes of myself, than to complete the school by getting money through means God did not ask of me.  What I need is not money.  What I need is strength to trust in God.  I need boldness to be obedient to Him, whatever that looks like.  I think THAT is what it means to trust in God. But I'm still learning...

Let them praise Him with dancing!

All the wonderful School of Dance ladies

Ballet class :)

2 Timothy 3:16 tells us that “All Scripture is God breathed and is important…”  That being said, there is not one word in the Bible that is there by accident, or that is not of value.  We recently did a project in our school to find all the original words for “dance” in their Hebrew and Greek forms in the Bible.  The word “dance” or a form of it is used at least twenty-seven times in the Bible.  It seems to me that God found the word and the action of dance important to include, not only once or twice…but at least twenty-seven times!  I think that sometimes the church can forget about the power of dance and the freedom that it can bring.  In the Bible we see both the negative and positive powers of dancing.  We see that as God was leading His people out of four hundred years of slavery in Egypt, the most accurate response they could have was to dance for joy.  And we know that the famous King David had no other way to worship the Lord fully but through reckless abandonment in his dancing.  We also see the negative things that dance can be used for, such as the persuasion of Herod to put John the Baptist to death through a dance of seduction and temptation.  But whether it is used for good or evil, there is no question that dance has power.  This is why it is so important for the church to stand up and use the gift of dance that the Lord has given for His kingdom and His glory.  In these last two months I have already seen the Lord do so much healing in my own life, as well as give me hope for the healing that He is going to bring to the nations through dance.  I have the privilege of dancing with seven beautiful girls from all walks of life.  We have all seen our share of joy and sorrow in life, but one thing remains true for all of us- we have all seen God minister in and through us by the gift of dance.  God has restored my love and joy for dancing, and I have been able to have such an incredible time enjoying His presence.  Dance is probably the strongest way that I can connect and speak to God.  When I have no more words to express what I am going through, I know that I can simply pour out my heart to Him through the motions and movements that He has given me.  Dance is this joy and strength that I desire to take back to the nations.  Our school has an amazing opportunity to go to London and Scotland this summer.  We will be using dance as a way to connect with people that do not know the Lord.  We are going to use this art to speak directly to people’s hearts about the love that God has for them in a way that words cannot always do.  Dance breaks down walls and can penetrate into lives in such a strong force, and I can’t wait to see how God is going to use it this summer, as well as in the rest of my life! 

apparently dancers kick pinatas...

For such a time as this!

If you had asked me three years ago if I would be here in Montana doing School of Dance right now, I would have said no.  If you had asked me two years ago, I would have told you I was probably going to do it last year. And if you had asked me last year, I would have said “possibly…” with a doubtful hope. Yet it is amazing to me how God knows just the perfect time and place that He wants us.  I had thought I was going to do School of Dance last year, but God told me it wasn’t the right time. So I stayed home, and because of that I was blessed to be in Uganda for 6 months with two teams last year. And I saw even more of His plan for calling me to Montana for “such a time as this” as soon as I arrived.  It was my first full day here and I was talking to a very dear girl, Kelly, who is on staff with YWAM Montana.  She had been staff here back when I was doing my Discipleship Training School (DTS) and I have always admired her! She is staffing this current DTS and told me that she is leading an outreach team but their outreach location had fallen through because there were more students than they expected and the location could not cater for all of them.  So I just threw out in the conversation “well just go to Gulu!!”  Then that led into a longer conversation about what God is doing in Uganda, and a few days of prayer, and… to make a long story short, she is now taking the DTS to Uganda to work with Soldiers of Christ for two months!!  It was such an answer to prayer! We had been praying for another team to be able to come to Gulu and serve and help out while I am away and the staff in Gulu is furthering their training… and only God could have orchestrated it in such a way! If I had come last year, we wouldn’t have had such an answer to prayer, and the DTS wouldn’t have had an outreach location! 

            Besides that beautiful treat (which would have been enough in itself!) Montana has just been such a gift from the Lord!  I never could have expected that I would have an opportunity to dance this much again, and with such incredible people, and for the Lord!  He is showing me more and more every day about what it means to focus on Him and utilize the giftings and abilities he has given me.  It does make me laugh that the main correction I get in dance class is that my moves look “too African”… I guess that is just a what happens when you live in Africa for two years J haha and although it may not be exactly what my teachers are looking for… hopefully it’ll give me some advantage in the future for our training with the students in Gulu!  Although going from the 85 degree weather in Uganda to the two feet of snow we have gotten in the last three days has been an adjustment… I wouldn’t change being here for the world! It has been such a great reminder that Uganda (and my life) is in GOD’S hands, and HE is the one orchestrating everything.  And it has been such a wonderful time to get to spend with my Daddy!  As it is said “God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him” I am learning what it means to be content in ALL situations and know that my value is in my identity…and not my performance. God is so good!!



Montana is cold!!... but beautiful!